I like to write my blogs on Sundays. ‘Soul Sundays with Sian’. #SoulSundaysWithSian. However, this week has been very emotional for me as my daughter spent five days with her father for the first time. As beautiful as it was to see them so connected of course, it was only natural to be saddened by the fact another woman was taking care our children as he now has a new partner. So I chose to explore my feelings. I have been doing some healing. I also prayed for the answers on a great topic to write about and this morning while scrolling through my social media Newsfeed, the answer came to me after being inspired by the embodiment of feminine power, author, and public speaker, Marianne Williamson. Her Facebook post reminded me that love can be like seasons. So today my blog will go into more detail about what it means to be in ‘season’.
We have hot summers where the sun beams down in all its glory to kiss our skin, drench us with light and lift our spirits up. Summer is a time for fun, frolics, and fusing our souls with another. Autumn is a time when leaves fall from the trees, burnt orange sunsets, harvesting food in preparation for what’s to come. Winter. The cold, icy, brutal harshness of winter. Winds cut through to the core feeling the full force of the impact of chills, cold, bleak lifeless surroundings, where darkness well and truly will set in. Going on for months as if the sun shall never rise again.
My journey with my daughter’s Father, (I will protect his identity by referring to him as Father) is very much of the same concept. Which inspired me to identify that my love is indeed like four seasons.
This story began in Winter of 2012, my beloved Grandfather had just passed away, December 5th and I was back at my hometown in Lincolnshire. What was only meant as a visit to see the family, attend the funeral, and head back to Manchester to continue my life as a single woman; became an extended stay over the Christmas and New Years Eve festivities. At the time, I have been just in the infancy of my spiritual journey of understanding the Laws of Attraction via the best selling book, The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I had spent many nights doing ‘Soul Mate Meditations’, longing to connect with the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with and connect with on a deep soul level (who I was yet to meet), even repeating my affirmations from the book ‘The Complete Works’ by Florence Scovel Shinn. I was living each day for what it was, not thinking of the future, but remaining present in the moment. Enjoying each moment to the next. January 2013 came, as did the heavy snow. Being a model, I was never short of male attention. Its part of the industry because my looks were a commodity, being approached on a daily basis by men and women either in person or via social media was just something I had come to accept as part of the job. Some attention is welcome, some not so much. This particular day in January, I had plans, but as if fate had it, I did not go. Instead, I chose to head to the local pub in Caistor, called The White Hart. A pub where my mother and father had courted, my grandparents had courted even my great-grandparents had also been regular customers. The history of my families past could still be felt in the air. The memories so clear and vivid to me. There I saw the old faces who had loved and known my family. It’s the one place you can walk into alone and someone will speak with you, share old memories with you. It’s a very comforting and beautiful experience. A feeling of safety. A feeling of home. Very much like Reese Witherspoon’s character in the Hollywood blockbuster film, ‘Sweet Home Alabama’. Everyone knows everyone. A time capsule of memories.
I was speaking with some friends and we agreed that we would all head into the next village to a country pub called ‘The Skipworth Arms’. So off we went. As soon as I walked into the pub, there was my cousin with a warm welcoming smile. We hugged and spoke about the funeral of my grandfather. The atmosphere was warm, full of love, friendship, and laughter. Later on, that evening, as I was sat at the bar chatting away, I noticed two men walk in. One of the men looked straight into my eyes, my heart stopped, I could not catch my breath. ‘I know him’, I thought to myself. His handsome good looks, intense brown eyes piercing through me, his clothes hugging his sculpted, solid powerful body. I knew he was strong. He sat down at the end of the bar and just continued to look at me, I looked away. As the night went on, I felt a sense of burning in my body, I’d look around and there he was, still staring at me. It was the most intense feeling of my life to that date. I’d never felt such intensity from anyone. Especially with just a look. It was so new to me, I did not know what to make of it. All I knew is I wanted him to come over and talk to me. As if he could read my mind, he did indeed come over to speak to me. Wow! My heart was just set on fire. I want to keep some things private and sacred between him and me, so all I will say is, what we spoke about changed my life forever, how he looked at me, changed my life forever. I knew in that moment I wanted him, he was the one. I had met him. My soulmate. As the night drew to an end, I was in such awe, I think looking back I was actually a little afraid of the intensity, my logical mind was trying to reason with my emotions, so I just left, without leaving my number or even asking for his. My logic, just said ‘shit, this is crazy to feel this strongly so quickly’. So I made my excuses to leave and left to go home.
When I got home, I did what any girl does, tried to find out who this man was. I looked at social media, couldn’t find anything at all. I was so frustrated, worried that I would never see this man again, so I just accepted it was a once in a lifetime chance meeting and prayed to God. ‘Dear Lord, if I am supposed to meet this man again, please help make it possible, Amen’. And within a couple of minutes after saying my prayers, my phone receives a Facebook notification. It was from him, my dream guy. It was the most beautiful message, he explained he had spoken to my cousin to find out who I was. He told me he was sorry for staring, but I blew him away and that he ‘felt he had met me for a reason tonight’. He gave me his number and that was it. We were connected. That night was like the season of Spring. For so long the trees were bare, no hope of any life, yet right there, in the coldness, the bleak misfortune of a harsh winter, a tiny seed of love, hope, the passion started to blossom. Right there, against all the odds, against all the barriers of life, the seeds of fate took over and ignited a fire of attraction within me. All the seeds of hope and faith of finding my soul mate came to fruition.
Within days the connection intensified to a whole new level of attraction. I was completely swept away by the feelings of love, time was no concept as I felt I had known him a lifetime. All logic had gone out of my mind, so for me, I was his. I knew I wanted to be together forever, so acted as my heart was telling me. I was a woman completely head over heels in love with the most gorgeous man I had ever met. The time had come for our first date, oh how my heart pounded. Just to sit next to him in the cinema, I felt an electricity surge through my body, I could not catch my next breath. He was like a vortex of passion, instantly pulling my energy into to him. I could feel myself falling into him, I had zero interest in the film, all I wanted and kept thinking about was, oh my God, this feeling is incredible, I want him to kiss me. What seemed like 10 hours of waiting, the film ended, and he drove me back to drop me back home. It was then we shared our first kiss. Just like the season of summer, it was hot hot hot! Burning my soul, the fire within me was wild, intense and incredible. We said Goodnight. The following day we met again for lunch, just sitting next to each other was just so intense. The day turned into evening, the evening turned into night. The snow had been so heavy that we had to abandon the car and walk through the snowy countryside, the stars twinkling in the clear night sky. As if God himself had created the most romantic setting for what was about to happen. I made snow angels in the snow, just so free to be myself, so unafraid to be with the man I was deeply falling in love with. I felt a connection so pure, so real so beautiful. I felt I was the luckiest women alive. As we had no car, and my house was miles away so the closest place to walk would be his house. The seeds of our connection were in full bloom, the season of love was well and truly into summer. That night, we made love and our daughter was conceived. The season of summer remained strong for the next month, sharing beautiful moments together. Then autumn sets in.
Just as with the autumn season, the leaves fall from the once blooming, fruitful trees, plants start to wither away, what was once green and full of luster starts to turn brown, falling away. A few months into the pregnancy, I could feel him slip away from me. As if I was the tree of life, bearing fruit, he was falling away from me. No longer was I the source of energy for him. He was gone. Swept away by the wind into the unknown. Unreachable. Unapproachable. Unattainable. I was left bare, exposed to the harshness of what was to come. Winter. The fire was out. I was growing life inside of me, to on the outside, I was dead. Heartbroken. Abandoned. Lifeless.
Winter lasted for 3 years. No sign of life from him. No sight of him. 3 long, cold years. I was a mother on my own, attempting to reignite the fire, looking for a seed of hope in the ashes of all that he represented to my dreams of a happy family life, nothing. Just cold, harsh frost of winter. The only warmth I had to comfort me was our daughter and the memory of a connection we once shared. Winter seemed to never give any sign of ending, so I just chose to love him, wherever he was, I would send him love and pray for him and his happiness. Once again setting the seeds of hope, that one day, spring would arrive.
April 2017, spring did arrive, all the seeds of hope that he would one day return, be the wonderful Father, I knew he always was going to be, came to light. The seeds of hope sprouted out from the shadows of darkness. One by one the seeds began to blossom once again. His contact became regular, his visits to see our daughter became frequent and consistent. His warmth and love are in full view when he holds our darling daughter. The heat of summer is on its way, I see it still in his eyes, its there. The love, the passion, the connection, it is all there every time he’s with our little girl.
The journey my love for my daughters Father is unconditional, our journey has taught me to let love go, to allow love to be free. To love someone so much that they can hurt you, but you still chose to love them anyway, without judgment, without fear. Just love them because you share a gift together. A child. A gift from God. Is he the love of my life. Yes. Is he free to love another, yes! Because his happiness and my daughter’s happiness is where I find my own. God has blessed me twice and for that I am grateful.
So the next time you feel out of control to see your ex with someone else or you have to see your children spending time with your partner’s new spouses just remember it’s all just seasons. Your love is in a season. It may be cold like winter or pleasant like spring. Wherever you are on your journey, nothing is permanent. So choose love over everything. Chose your children’s happiness over anything else because you did once share a connection of love to create a miracle, which is seen in your children’s eyes. That is the next generation of love. So honor it. Love it and embrace it. Life is a journey so let’s enjoy the ride as much as we can. Things may seem hard to face but when we face them head on it becomes easier. Time is the greatest healer of all. Nobody will ever replace either of you as mother and Father to your children and that’s the blessing